Dear Baby Brother

1.12.2016

Dear Baby Brother,

Your official due date is a week from today and I am not ready for you to come. With your sister, I was ready before I was halfway through and by the time she actually came at 42 weeks, I was going mad. Now, I’m going mad from the panic that you’ll get here before my to-do list is finished and my heart is open to all the changes you’ll bring. Truthfully, I don’t think I’ll be ready this time. My to-do list is growing, not shrinking, which is what always seems to happen to me when my heart is avoiding itself. I think I’ll have to hurry up and make my peace with the fact that you’re coming, ready or not.

What do I want for you, little brother? I want you to have a name—which right now isn’t coming as easily as we thought it would—and an identity all your own. I want you to be more than just Scarlett Murphey’s little brother, which I’m sure of course you will be, but right now, with my world so consumed by your spunky sister, it’s hard for me to fathom. Can I confess something to you, little boy? I haven’t thought much about you these past nine months. I wanted you. We wanted you so surely, but as soon as you were there in my belly, the world just went on spinning. How will you fit into our world? I can’t work it out in my mind exactly, but I know you’ll fill in holes I didn’t know were gaping. Your dad says he wants you to be a sensitive man of wisdom, a leader, and a linebacker. But if your sister turns out to be the linebacker of the family, which indeed she might, that’s cool too, he says.

And me? I want you to be my teacher, little boy. It’s about the only thing I can sense about you, but I can already feel that you will be. I can already feel the magnitude of the growth you’ll bring to my scared little soul. You will make me better, whoever you are, and you will do it by forcing me to face things long before I feel I’m ready.

See you on the other side, little man.

Love,

Mom

3 comments :

  • allison anderson

    Oh this is so sweet! i love the contrast i feel when a new baby is coming our way. there are the moments when i cannot fathom my heart growing big enough to contain us all. but the minute i hear that first cry and see that brand new little person everything turns upside-down and i cannot imagine life without them. best of luck. lucky, lucky little boy!

  • Crystalee Webb Beck

    What a lucky guy he will be in your adventurous, thoughtful, fun family. Sending you safeel delivery vibes. You got this, Mama.

  • katie Mullins

    This is so beautiful. I had many of these same feelings before mason arrived. I envy how perfectly you can express how you feel.

    I couldn’t imagine how another little baby could fit in our family or how I could love another human as much as Olivia. Then he came and he changed everything. It was so hard, but so perfect. He made all of us better. he makes me smile bigger and cry more with joy than any one ever has. can’t wait for you to meet your little man!

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